I probably shouldnt even be talking about this. Its not something I'm quick to share with even my most close and personal friends. I just know that its something people who share my environment need to know about. People arent safe around me anymore. I need to warn people before its too late. Before its too late? It may already be too late.
I am in possession of a terrible weapon. One that could bring society to its knees. And no its not a tank, or a lot of tanks, or some kind of air breathing shark, or even a bunch of stink bombs tapped together. I'm talking about...windmill punches.
I dont know where I learned it. My best guess is that I was probably adopted by a monastary full of superhuman fighting monks who taught complete destruction was the only true path to righteousness and peace. Why else would I not remember anything before my 13th birthday. Sure doctors blamed it on my total addiction to eating glue, but wheres the proof...all my glue bottles are empty...yet this monk monastary remains undiscovered. Explain that why dont you, Science!
Its a constant internal battle. I walk around day in and day out caring inside me this mechanism of total chaos. I never know who or what will set it off. All I know is that everything just sort of goes black and the next thing I know my eyes are squeezed shut...I'm shrieking at the top of my lungs...and my arms are hurtling in 360 alternating arcs with my fists absolutely annhilating anything or anyone unlucky enough to get in their way.
Sure when I tell people about it they dont think its a real problem. They say mean things like, "Hey looney toons, seriously I dont care about your idiotic made up make believe horseshit. " Or "Hey bozo, quite talking to me you nutjob. Seriously, if you dont get away from me right now I will give you a real problem...one that rhymes with concussion" Or worse of all "Hey moron, your haircut makes you look like a lesbian."
But people dont realize that this is the real deal. Decent human beings are at risk. Take for instance the other day at Vons. I had a coupon for buy one get one free safeway brand mustard, which is my favorite. But that idiot at the cash register wouldnt honor the coupon because it was hand-written on a napkin. Whoa...BIG MISTAKE! All the sudden the store goes black and when I finally come to seven hours later, I was windmill punching the crap out of a bag of tostitos. It was then that I realized the store was completely abadoned. They actually closed down because of me. Where are people going to get groceries now?**
Or what about the time during my first christmas with my non-monk family? My mom let my brother, sister and I each open one present the night before christmas. My brother got a brand new teenage mutant ninja turtle...my sister got a my-size barbie...and what did I get you ask? A book titled..."Sure you're addicted to glue now, but it doesnt have to stick."
Rage.
So there I was windmill punching like my life depended on it in the living room. When I finally came to...my whole family was gone. I had literally windmill punched them into the next millenium. Imagine my grief knowing that I was going to have to grow up as an orphan. Who in their right mind would want to adopt a windmill puncher? It took me a good 3 minutes of sadness before I realized my whole family was just in the dinning room eating breakfast and I had just been windmill punching the christmas tree for the better part of 12 hours. But still, thats a lot of emotion for a young boy to handle in a short period of time.
So there you have it people. Be careful when you are around me. One minute I'm just your average guy with above average pectorials and the next minute I am a blur of fists and elbows knocking over your moms flower pots, accidently putting a hole in your drywall, and completely eradicating society as you know it.
**on a side note they opened the next day at 9 am. god bless those brave people. dont let me ruin your version of the american dream!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Modern Day Bank Robbers
Bank Robberies. We've all thought about it at one point or another. You're in line at your local Bank of America and you think, maybe I can fool this lady at the register that the pez dispenser in my pocket is actually a semi automatic weapon and that it would be best if she filled up a bag with clean, un-marked hunderd dollar bills. But then you remember something. Video cameras, silent alarms, laser trip wires, the difficult escape path through the velvet rope maze and lastly, that damn elderly security gaurd. Good luck with all that partner. Just go up to the counter and deposit the 20 dollars your grandmother sent you for your birthday and be on your way. Coward.
Modern day bank robbers are the last real american badasses. With every other business in the world getting wise to the wayward ways of the would-be robber, today's robbers have to be crafty.
Bank robbers of old had it made in the shade. You walk up to a wooden building with a big sign on top labeled "BANK". You reach into the window between the poorly spaced steel bars and you grab the bag with the large $$ sign on it. Then you walk away with no one the wiser. Seriously, if that was still the case today, I would never ever have to pay for my moons over mihami addiction again. Grab a bag once a week and you can practically live at Denny's for every single meal including brunch! YATZEE!
These days though, bank robbers have to be better prepared than ever.
1) You have to be flexible. Dont think you are showing up to a bank and stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars if you havent put in time at the local yoga studio. That barrage of criss-crossing, motion detecting lasers between you and your next tab at Denny's is not designed for the stiff of muscle. Why they dont just put up a solid wall of lasers that is literally impossible to cross is anyone's guess. But getting through to the cash is like a game of twister from hell. Better stretch out those hammies buddy.
2) You have to be ready to be ready to take some hostages. I'm not sure when the first hostage situation occured but it has to have been going on for a while now. Why dont people walk into these situations better prepared. If I was robbing a bank and my idiot friend was taking too long in the vault and the police surrounded the place, there is no way I am just giving myself up. I am taking hostages...and then I am throwing a party. Pack a back-pack with some party favors. I think it would be best to bring a couple bottles of tequilla and maybe a few costco-sized bags of chips and salsa. Dont forget to make a mixed cd or at least bring along an ipod and docking station. You are gonna be in there for a while...there is no sense in not making the time enjoyable. The hostages will be pissed at first, but when you break out your portable grill and your game of drinking jenga, I think everyone will warm up to the idea. "Never have I ever robbed a bank!" "OHH YES YOU HAVE... DRINK!!!!"
3) You have to be prepared to not have your demands met. Let's face it. I've seen enough bank robbery movies to know that the cops are not going to meet your demands. Unless hollywood has been lying to us for years and that in real life bank robbers get all kinds of great keep-sakes for their troubles, its just not gonna happen. But that doesnt mean you dont want to try. Aim low with your demands. Dont get your hopes up thinking you are gonna get a helicopter fueled and ready to take you to mexico. Maybe this is a perfect time to start adding to your wardrobe. Demand a new button down shirt from Nordstroms Rack. That's reasonable. Slightly damaged clothing isnt asking too much. Maybe a new pair of jeans. Are you low on dish soap? I'm sure you've been using the same sponge at your sink for months now. Maybe they could pay your cable bill for you. I'm sure you could probably even get your car detailed. Little stuff like that could actually make this situation work out for you. Just dont get too greedy.
4) Be prepared for the fact that you are probably going to spend a decent amount of time in jail. Its a fact law breaker. Banks are ready for you. That's why its best to just stick to robbing the same 7-11 day after day. Sure they only carry 50 dollars, but by day ten that is 500 dollars in your pocket. Plus add in the cost of all the slim jims and cheese filled hot dogs you cram into your pocket and you are sitting on a gold mine of almost 527 dollars! In just ten days! Trust me, that's the way to do it. Now go get 'em cowboy!
Modern day bank robbers are the last real american badasses. With every other business in the world getting wise to the wayward ways of the would-be robber, today's robbers have to be crafty.
Bank robbers of old had it made in the shade. You walk up to a wooden building with a big sign on top labeled "BANK". You reach into the window between the poorly spaced steel bars and you grab the bag with the large $$ sign on it. Then you walk away with no one the wiser. Seriously, if that was still the case today, I would never ever have to pay for my moons over mihami addiction again. Grab a bag once a week and you can practically live at Denny's for every single meal including brunch! YATZEE!
These days though, bank robbers have to be better prepared than ever.
1) You have to be flexible. Dont think you are showing up to a bank and stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars if you havent put in time at the local yoga studio. That barrage of criss-crossing, motion detecting lasers between you and your next tab at Denny's is not designed for the stiff of muscle. Why they dont just put up a solid wall of lasers that is literally impossible to cross is anyone's guess. But getting through to the cash is like a game of twister from hell. Better stretch out those hammies buddy.
2) You have to be ready to be ready to take some hostages. I'm not sure when the first hostage situation occured but it has to have been going on for a while now. Why dont people walk into these situations better prepared. If I was robbing a bank and my idiot friend was taking too long in the vault and the police surrounded the place, there is no way I am just giving myself up. I am taking hostages...and then I am throwing a party. Pack a back-pack with some party favors. I think it would be best to bring a couple bottles of tequilla and maybe a few costco-sized bags of chips and salsa. Dont forget to make a mixed cd or at least bring along an ipod and docking station. You are gonna be in there for a while...there is no sense in not making the time enjoyable. The hostages will be pissed at first, but when you break out your portable grill and your game of drinking jenga, I think everyone will warm up to the idea. "Never have I ever robbed a bank!" "OHH YES YOU HAVE... DRINK!!!!"
3) You have to be prepared to not have your demands met. Let's face it. I've seen enough bank robbery movies to know that the cops are not going to meet your demands. Unless hollywood has been lying to us for years and that in real life bank robbers get all kinds of great keep-sakes for their troubles, its just not gonna happen. But that doesnt mean you dont want to try. Aim low with your demands. Dont get your hopes up thinking you are gonna get a helicopter fueled and ready to take you to mexico. Maybe this is a perfect time to start adding to your wardrobe. Demand a new button down shirt from Nordstroms Rack. That's reasonable. Slightly damaged clothing isnt asking too much. Maybe a new pair of jeans. Are you low on dish soap? I'm sure you've been using the same sponge at your sink for months now. Maybe they could pay your cable bill for you. I'm sure you could probably even get your car detailed. Little stuff like that could actually make this situation work out for you. Just dont get too greedy.
4) Be prepared for the fact that you are probably going to spend a decent amount of time in jail. Its a fact law breaker. Banks are ready for you. That's why its best to just stick to robbing the same 7-11 day after day. Sure they only carry 50 dollars, but by day ten that is 500 dollars in your pocket. Plus add in the cost of all the slim jims and cheese filled hot dogs you cram into your pocket and you are sitting on a gold mine of almost 527 dollars! In just ten days! Trust me, that's the way to do it. Now go get 'em cowboy!
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