Dangerous For Society

I probably shouldnt even be talking about this. Its not something I'm quick to share with even my most close and personal friends. I just know that its something people who share my environment need to know about. People arent safe around me anymore. I need to warn people before its too late. Before its too late? It may already be too late.

I am in possession of a terrible weapon. One that could bring society to its knees. And no its not a tank, or a lot of tanks, or some kind of air breathing shark, or even a bunch of stink bombs tapped together. I'm talking about...windmill punches.

I dont know where I learned it. My best guess is that I was probably adopted by a monastary full of superhuman fighting monks who taught complete destruction was the only true path to righteousness and peace. Why else would I not remember anything before my 13th birthday. Sure doctors blamed it on my total addiction to eating glue, but wheres the proof...all my glue bottles are empty...yet this monk monastary remains undiscovered. Explain that why dont you, Science!

Its a constant internal battle. I walk around day in and day out caring inside me this mechanism of total chaos. I never know who or what will set it off. All I know is that everything just sort of goes black and the next thing I know my eyes are squeezed shut...I'm shrieking at the top of my lungs...and my arms are hurtling in 360 alternating arcs with my fists absolutely annhilating anything or anyone unlucky enough to get in their way.

Sure when I tell people about it they dont think its a real problem. They say mean things like, "Hey looney toons, seriously I dont care about your idiotic made up make believe horseshit. " Or "Hey bozo, quite talking to me you nutjob. Seriously, if you dont get away from me right now I will give you a real problem...one that rhymes with concussion" Or worse of all "Hey moron, your haircut makes you look like a lesbian."

But people dont realize that this is the real deal. Decent human beings are at risk. Take for instance the other day at Vons. I had a coupon for buy one get one free safeway brand mustard, which is my favorite. But that idiot at the cash register wouldnt honor the coupon because it was hand-written on a napkin. Whoa...BIG MISTAKE! All the sudden the store goes black and when I finally come to seven hours later, I was windmill punching the crap out of a bag of tostitos. It was then that I realized the store was completely abadoned. They actually closed down because of me. Where are people going to get groceries now?**

Or what about the time during my first christmas with my non-monk family? My mom let my brother, sister and I each open one present the night before christmas. My brother got a brand new teenage mutant ninja turtle...my sister got a my-size barbie...and what did I get you ask? A book titled..."Sure you're addicted to glue now, but it doesnt have to stick."

Rage.

So there I was windmill punching like my life depended on it in the living room. When I finally came to...my whole family was gone. I had literally windmill punched them into the next millenium. Imagine my grief knowing that I was going to have to grow up as an orphan. Who in their right mind would want to adopt a windmill puncher? It took me a good 3 minutes of sadness before I realized my whole family was just in the dinning room eating breakfast and I had just been windmill punching the christmas tree for the better part of 12 hours. But still, thats a lot of emotion for a young boy to handle in a short period of time.

So there you have it people. Be careful when you are around me. One minute I'm just your average guy with above average pectorials and the next minute I am a blur of fists and elbows knocking over your moms flower pots, accidently putting a hole in your drywall, and completely eradicating society as you know it.

**on a side note they opened the next day at 9 am. god bless those brave people. dont let me ruin your version of the american dream!