Modern Day Bank Robbers

Bank Robberies. We've all thought about it at one point or another. You're in line at your local Bank of America and you think, maybe I can fool this lady at the register that the pez dispenser in my pocket is actually a semi automatic weapon and that it would be best if she filled up a bag with clean, un-marked hunderd dollar bills. But then you remember something. Video cameras, silent alarms, laser trip wires, the difficult escape path through the velvet rope maze and lastly, that damn elderly security gaurd. Good luck with all that partner. Just go up to the counter and deposit the 20 dollars your grandmother sent you for your birthday and be on your way. Coward.



Modern day bank robbers are the last real american badasses. With every other business in the world getting wise to the wayward ways of the would-be robber, today's robbers have to be crafty.

Bank robbers of old had it made in the shade. You walk up to a wooden building with a big sign on top labeled "BANK". You reach into the window between the poorly spaced steel bars and you grab the bag with the large $$ sign on it. Then you walk away with no one the wiser. Seriously, if that was still the case today, I would never ever have to pay for my moons over mihami addiction again. Grab a bag once a week and you can practically live at Denny's for every single meal including brunch! YATZEE!

These days though, bank robbers have to be better prepared than ever.

1) You have to be flexible. Dont think you are showing up to a bank and stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars if you havent put in time at the local yoga studio. That barrage of criss-crossing, motion detecting lasers between you and your next tab at Denny's is not designed for the stiff of muscle. Why they dont just put up a solid wall of lasers that is literally impossible to cross is anyone's guess. But getting through to the cash is like a game of twister from hell. Better stretch out those hammies buddy.

2) You have to be ready to be ready to take some hostages. I'm not sure when the first hostage situation occured but it has to have been going on for a while now. Why dont people walk into these situations better prepared. If I was robbing a bank and my idiot friend was taking too long in the vault and the police surrounded the place, there is no way I am just giving myself up. I am taking hostages...and then I am throwing a party. Pack a back-pack with some party favors. I think it would be best to bring a couple bottles of tequilla and maybe a few costco-sized bags of chips and salsa. Dont forget to make a mixed cd or at least bring along an ipod and docking station. You are gonna be in there for a while...there is no sense in not making the time enjoyable. The hostages will be pissed at first, but when you break out your portable grill and your game of drinking jenga, I think everyone will warm up to the idea. "Never have I ever robbed a bank!" "OHH YES YOU HAVE... DRINK!!!!"

3) You have to be prepared to not have your demands met. Let's face it. I've seen enough bank robbery movies to know that the cops are not going to meet your demands. Unless hollywood has been lying to us for years and that in real life bank robbers get all kinds of great keep-sakes for their troubles, its just not gonna happen. But that doesnt mean you dont want to try. Aim low with your demands. Dont get your hopes up thinking you are gonna get a helicopter fueled and ready to take you to mexico. Maybe this is a perfect time to start adding to your wardrobe. Demand a new button down shirt from Nordstroms Rack. That's reasonable. Slightly damaged clothing isnt asking too much. Maybe a new pair of jeans. Are you low on dish soap? I'm sure you've been using the same sponge at your sink for months now. Maybe they could pay your cable bill for you. I'm sure you could probably even get your car detailed. Little stuff like that could actually make this situation work out for you. Just dont get too greedy.

4) Be prepared for the fact that you are probably going to spend a decent amount of time in jail. Its a fact law breaker. Banks are ready for you. That's why its best to just stick to robbing the same 7-11 day after day. Sure they only carry 50 dollars, but by day ten that is 500 dollars in your pocket. Plus add in the cost of all the slim jims and cheese filled hot dogs you cram into your pocket and you are sitting on a gold mine of almost 527 dollars! In just ten days! Trust me, that's the way to do it. Now go get 'em cowboy!