Carnivals are not fun for competitive people with anger problems / inferiority complexes / wads of cash

If I could describe myself in one word, it would be: Athlete. Errr, Wait sorry that was a typo. I meant to say: Mathlete. But an athletic mathlete thats for sure. One time I ran around an entire city block before I collapsed from complete exhaustion. The EMT's that responded to my 911 call said it was the most ridiculous thing they had ever seen. They said they were leaving because it was so insanely idiotic they were even there in the first place. They didnt have to help me at all! That is the kind of elite level shape that I am in!

So naturally when I roll into the San Diego Fair that happens only once a year, I roll in their with the confidence of a highly trained Olympic athlete on all kinds of the best steriods.

So after I downed a completely inappropriate amount of fried chicken, friend biscuts, fried zucchini, fried twinkies, fried oreos, fried butter, fried lemonade, fried mustard, and fried toenail polish I headed straight for the games ready to dominate.

First up, basketball throw. Easy. I am the Lebron Bryant of Basketball so I figure, I'll take this chump's giant stuffed panda and then shove it in his big stupid face. So I give him a dollar. He hands me a basketball. He could have handed me a bowling ball and it wouldnt have mattered, I'm just that money. First shot, rims out. No big deal, I'm just getting the rust out. Second shot, off the backboard and out. Okay, now this is getting ridiculous. My mom didnt tell me I was the best and most handsome basketball player she had ever seen in her whole life for nothing. So I give him around 80 more dollars until finally I realize, what am I wasting my time on basketball for? I should be doing ring toss. I am the best ring tosser that has ever lived.

So the friendly ring toss fella tells me that for only 5 bucks he will give me two rings. I was like, dude have you seen how tight my t-shirt is, do you think I need 2 rings. You should give me a cheerio if you want to make this even remotely fair. But nonetheless, 5 bucks got me two rings. 10 bucks got me 4 rings. 10 more bucks got me 4 more rings. 10 more oh whatever, screw this stupid game, I am gonna go knock over bottles with a baseball.

That's right. Bottles, with a baseball. I was expecting it would be more like cement buildings with a ping pong ball. But I guess I'll play by the dumb carny rules, take all their beloved prizes, and make them live in a trailer traveling from town to town just to make ends meet cause they lost so much stuff to my un-clockable fastball. Long story short, this too does not go well for me. I've thrown out my arm. Hit an elderly lady. Said the F-word incredibly loud in front of a group of children a record 14 different times. Hit another elderly lady. And finally punched that stupid carny in his stupid fat face.

So by this point, I'm down a good 600 dollars. To say that I am born anew in a state of being that consists of nothing but blind pulsating rage would be like saying fried butter is delicious. Understatement. Fried butter is the most delicious thing on the planet. And I have the most rage on the planet. But it may also just be the fried butter stomach ache that is reaking havoc on my lower half like the north dominating the south during the civil war. Either way, I am not stoked right now. What's left to do but play the balloon blow up game.

I walk right up to the guy and I say, listen buddy you better f&$%ing let me win. (What I actually say, while fighting back tears, is: Listen buddy, please let me beat my girlfriend so I can win her a stuffed toy and not look like a complete life failure) But I dont think he heard me, cause when we started, my balloon barely inflated and her balloon exploded like a freaking gernade.

So after all this...all my money gone...all my tendons shredded...all my tears expelled from my face...after it all, my girlfriend gets to hand me a stuff toy and say..."See, what was so hard about that."

That my friends, is why you should never, ever, ever go to the carnival if you even remotely think you are halfway decent at sports.

Now I am gonna have to throw out my coveted 8th place fencing trophy that I won in the 4th grade. I obviously dont deserve it. Stupid carnys and their stupid fat faces.