Wine Selection

Sure I've been called a snob before. But what can I say, my taste is exquisite. I'm not going to apologize to you or anyone for having absolutely superior taste, style, and pest control techniques. So if I roll into McDonalds and the guy hands me my McRib and its not up to my impeccable standards then well I'm just going to throw it right back in his underacheving face and then wreck havoc on the place until they run out of individual ketchup packets for me to stomp on everywhere. Its just how I was raised and its the level I expect everyone else to adhere to, whether or not they are great friends or perfect strangers. Class it up a bit, world.

So naturally, when I am at a fancy dining establishment, I bring that class straight to the table. When the waiter comes and introduces himself, I skip straight over the pleasantries and start with the verbal grilling. Why wasn't I seated in the best seat in the house? Why did I have to wait so long for a table? Which one is the salad fork? Who's running this IHOP anyway? GET ME ANSWERS! This sets the tone for an elitest evening of deep and meaningful conversation without the stupid waiter interrupting by coming up every five minutes asking me to stop eating all the sugar packets.

Sure I've painted a mental picture for you that must equate to what you've imagined it to be like to dine with Kings and Dignataries. Very classy and something you will probably never experience. But let me let you in on a secret. The true way to showcase your sophistication is not to yell at the top of your lungs for everyone to be quiet so you can enjoy your cheesy breadsticks (although it never, ever hurts). The absolute foolproof method to displaying your undenaible worth is how you pick out wine at a restaurant. Then you too can share in my unobtainable level of snobbery!

Some people just skip right to the most expensive bottle. Come on rookies! That's a bush league mistake that I simply will not tolerate. You have to have an understanding of food pairing, past weather patterns in grape abundant areas, and an uncanny ability to spot the least expensive bottle quickly before anyone else has time to realize what it is.

Food pairing examples:
White Wine goes great with tacos
Red Wine goes great with Indian food
Red and White Wine mixed together is perfect when the main portion of the meal is hotdogs.
Tequilla goes great with Lean Cuisine. Sure its not a wine, but its a good tip nonetheless.

So boom, there is a fail proof food pairing selection method.

What happens next is by far the most important. The approval of the wine. Most people will swirl the wine in the glass, take a sip, comment on how oaky it is and be done with it. But I'm not most people and, in time, no longer will you be. I like to grab the bottle from the waiter's hands immediately as he gets to the table and tell him to step back and learn something. Something classy. I will pull the cork out, inspect it for visual pleasure, smell it for reasons I dont understand, and then put it in my mouth and see how far across the room I can launch it. The best wines have corks that will travel 15 feet and hit an old lady in the soup bowl.

Next I like to take a good long swig straight from the bottle. This helps me to understand the wine makers intentions on important things like taste and alcohol content. Then I like to throw just a little bit onto the carpet. What is the wine's staining power? A good wine will stain a carpet for years and years and I expect no less. Next, its important to let the wine breathe. Wine has been corked up for so long, its important to expose it to oxygen so that the taste can come alive. At this point I will usually take the wine bottle on a stroll around the restaurant while continuing to take long, physically impressive sips.

Next its important to understand the wine's ability to control your emotions. The best wines will immediately make you recall things that you despise about your boss, your kids, your neighbors, past boyfriends/girlfriends, how you're other siblings are doing so much better than you, why you cant hold down a job, why no one ever responds to your match.com profile, why you still live in your parents basement, etc. Its important to let the feelings out, just as it is important to let the wine out to breathe. So make sure you express all of these emotions to your dinner party as vehemently as humanly possible! They will respect you for what an incredible host you are for selecting such an emotionally charged wine!

The last step is obviously the most important. Repeat all the other steps at least 11 more times. The upper class society will respect your ability to party! Its why the rich keep getting richer.

If you need a visual demonstration, I am usually at IHOP around 4 pm on a daily basis just straight downing wine for all to see. COME ON BY AND LEARN SOME CLASS!