New Years Resolution

Its a new year and you know what that means: Resolution time! I'm not one of those people that makes a resolution and doesnt stick to it. I'm the kind of fella that resolves to achieve or exceed my personal goals. I know what your thinking to yourself right now..."whatever guy, you probably just set resolutions that any idiot could meet or exceed, like taking a shower twice a week or applying cologne in moderation. You probably dont set goals that take profound personal effort." Well I have two things to say to that my friend. One, applying cologne in large doses eliminates the need for showering...so your example is really just an example of how dumb you are. And two, the goals I set for myself are ones that would take an ordinary human being a good 6 or 7 years before they realized they could even dream of setting such an exceptional resolution for themselves.

So here are the things I hope to achieve in 2011:

1. No more eating from the garbage. No matter how delicious something looks...in 2011 if its in the garbage, its off limits.

2. Flossing...continuing to avoid it. But I am going to start lying straight to my dentist's face to get him off my case. I will look him dead in the eye and boldly claim that I have been flossing and therefore have not the slightest clue as to the source of my unbearable gingivitis. You figure it out genius!

3. I'm finally going to drop off my collection of used underwear to the goodwill. Its time it brought someone else as much joy as it brought me. Some really fortunate fella is going to get "the sure-thing" which is what I used to call this one particularly tight pair of briefs. When you put them on, you are guarunteed to get lucky at least 6% of the time. That's right, you're not gonna want to take them off. I know I never did.

4. Eating better. Wait sorry that's a typo. Its supposed to say eating butter. In 2011 I'm putting butter on everything. My cereal is gonna be 1000 times better than that crap I ate in 2010.

5. I am going to cut down on the number of times I'm arrested for indecent exposure. I havent decided if this means I'm cutting down on the number of attempts, or if I am just going to get better at not getting caught. Fewer State of California v. Hayes Magnuson means more money in the tax payers wallets. You're welcome californians. Now the favor ball is in your court.

6. I'm going to conquer my biggest fear of pooping my pants in an Applebee's. I'm finally just going to do it and get it over with. I need to prove to myself that the thought is way worse than the actual act.

7. Its time to start dressing better. In 2011 I'm not just gonna sit on the LL Bean website wondering "if only". No this year, its time to make those dreams a reality. Watch out fashionistas...hope you like flannel!

8. I'm going to be more assertive this year. If I'm in line at a starbucks and I'm craving a peppermint mocha frappicino with whip cream and chocolate shavings, I'm not gonna change my order at the last second out of shame and embarrassment because of what the people in line think of me. I will order it, turn around and punch the person behind me directly in the stomach and then boldly announce to the store: "the person who just got punched ordered a drink made for a lady and I had to right that wrong. In addition I will be stealing his drink so that he cant make the world any gayer!" I plan on walking out of that starbucks to a roar of applause.

I think that is all the resolutions I can handle for one year. If I were you reader, I would take a good long look at this list and then take a good long look at yourself and ask yourself, what do you need to do so one day you too can accomplish these seemingly impossible tasks. If you want to start small, you should probably resolve to avoid the San Diego Applebee's from January through late fall, unless of course you want to witness triumph first hand, then you should resolve to make it to Applebee's every single solitary night!