24 Hr Fitness Membership Cancelation

I used to belong to 24 hr Fitness, a sports and fitness club that is open 24 hrs a day. Why did I stop going you ask? If you ask any woman, there is a time when a man can become too muscular. You go day in and day out, pushing yourself to the limits, striving to achieve your goals of peak muscular performance and then, BAM!, you overdid it. Its almost as if all that hard work backfires on you after a while. Well, that man is named Mark, and he used to hang me on a hook by my underwear in the locker room while he would skim through my ipod and point out every single Celine Dion song. Excuse me Mark. Sorry she's so talented Mark. Why dont I just call her up tomorrow and ask her to stop being the most incredible singer in the whole f&%$ing world MARK!

Prior to that, I joined 24 hr Fitness because like any other able bodied man, I wanted to be able to defend myself when things start to get rough. You never know when you are going to walk out of VONS and some girlscout peddling Tag-a-longs starts getting a little over agressive. If you cant deliver a decisive "I dont want yo Samoas" kick to the stomach, then before you know it, you are out 5 bucks my friend. And that's five bucks you could have put towards pizza.

So when I realized this self defense ability was something I truly wanted, I needed to figure out just where I stood in the scheme of things, ass-kicking-wise. So I started sizing up friends and relatives, neighbors and strangers, bus drivers and homeless people to see just who I could deliver the beat down of a lifetime to. I realized that if I was gonna get in a fight and actually win, it was gonna either have to be with an elderly blind woman or a trash can. Not a bad starting point.

So I walked right into the 24 Hr Fitness front office and demanded I be granted admission. The guy was very friendly and informative and we finally settled on a deal of 179 dollars a month with unlimited use of the water fountain. He wanted 180 bucks a month, but hey, learn how to haggle bud haha. Idiot.

I showed up the first couple of days ready to get to it. I did the standard 24 Hr Fitness routine I saw all the other guys doing: grab a dumbbell, set it on the ground, look at yourself in the mirror for 12 minutes, do 4 bicep curls while grunting, set weight on the ground, 12 more minutes in the mirror. Repeat for 2 hours. I was pumped. I was fitting right in. Except for the work out clothing fashion.

I was under the impression due to numerous Under Armor commercials, that if I was gonna protect this house, I was gonna need to do it in an 80 dollar sweat-whisking-away super tee. After all, you dont want to stare at yourself in the mirror for 12 minutes at a time when you have pit stains. You get nothing out of it. Why even buy a gym membership? But apparently at 24 hr Fitness, they promote achieving your ideal body while looking sweet. Hair Gel? Must. Board Shorts? You bet. Flip Flops? You cant squat thrust in tight, restrictive tennis shoes. Sleeves? You might as well be wearing an astronaut suit. So I hit up my local Sun Diego surf shop and got all the work out clothes I could possibly use in a lifetime.

But then I started noticing something. The gym is packed during the after-work rush from 5 to 8 pm. There almost isnt enough mirror for everyone. People have to bring in hand held mirrors and table spoons to see the results of their bicep curls. But the gym is empty until around midnight. That's when things get strange. The people that come in; they actually work out. They never look at themselves in the mirror. They wear t-shirts, mesh shorts, and holy hell they even wear sneakers.

I had to ask myself, what kind of people want to be all covered up, never look in the mirror and only work out at night. Then it dawned on me. Vampires. 24 hour fitness is a haven for super-toned, core focused, blood-sucking vampires. I'm lucky I got out of there alive.

So that is the real reason I gave up my 24 hr gym membership. Vampires. It has nothing to do with the time I was having trouble bench pressing the bar with two 10 lbs weights on each side only to have it drop on my sternum and cause me to soil myself. It had absolutely nothing to do with that at all. SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY MARK!