History has always fascinated me. History classes in school were full of wonder and excitement with stories telling of adventure, exploration, and inventiveness. At least I think they were, I was too busy dominating at pogs to worry about stupid things like school and friends and getting my scoliosis looked at. But thank God for Wikipedia. It got me caught up on everything history related so I'm good to go now knowledge-wise.
One history story in particular that I love is about a little known man named Christopher Columbus, aka Billy "Eagle-Eye" Simmons. (Wikipedia pg 13.) He and his band of traveling gypsies took a zodiac across the Atlantic and settled on a little town called Pizza Hut. (Wikipedia pg 17) Here they settled and it became the birthplace of Rock and Roll music and Guacamole. A few weeks later, Eagle-Eye changed his name to Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young and went on to become the best selling rock and roll artist in the history of the world. (Wikipedia pg 22)
Hold on, none of this sounds right, I'll check out Wikipedia and sort this mess out.
Okay, I'm back. That page has been deleted. The new page says the real story is that Christopher Columbus landed on the Bahamas Archipelago. The story goes that the indigenious people did not like ol Chris and were set to kill him dead. Being a learned man of learning (such as myself, post pogs) he was keenly aware that a solar eclipse was coming. He warned the people that if he was killed, he would steal their sun. A little bit later, the eclispe occured, exactly as he had predicted. The natives were fearful of this man who could steal suns, and were kind to him and the eventual Spanish settlers.
Now, I was thinking about that. Even today, in 2010, I have the weather channel, weather.com, CNN, foxnews, TMZ, IPOD applications, calculators, HBO, asian friends, and everything else a person could surround themselves with to be well informed. I could not with-in a decade guess the date of the next solar eclipse. So for those fellas back in 1492, that was A) extremely lucky and B) extremely smart and C) makes me feel extremely like an idiot.
I think about what I would have done if I found myself in that exact same situation, with my same current unawareness of meterological phenomenons. I'm pretty sure it would have gone a little something like this:
Native: You are white, we dont like you, and now you are gonna die.
Me: Well, that sucks, are you sure you really want to do that?
Native: Yes, absolutely sure. Its not like you are going to steal our sun or anything like that last guy. Keeping you alive makes no sense. You have a terrible haircut and your clothes went out of style in 1398. Yep, no you definitely have to die.
Me: Well, I wouldnt do that if I were you.
Native: Oh really, why is that.
Me: (Reaching my hand out and tugging lightly on his nose) Cause I..........got your nose!
Native: (Sees my thumb sticking out between my middle and index finger, but believes it is the tip of his nose) WHAT!?!? NO!?!? NOT MY NOSE!?!??! Oh god no, my nose is gone this is terrible, terrible news. Curse you, you stealer of noses.
Me: Oh you want your nose back. (pretend to hand to him then pull away) Oooppp bup bup bup. Its too bad you have to kill me, cause you'll probably never get your nose back now if you do.
Native: Okay okay, you can live, please mister, just give me back my nose. I wish to smell again.
Me: Fine, here take back your nose. But (turning to the now cowering crowd) that is a warning to all you who see this today, that if any of you lays a hand on me, my band of gypsies, or my zodiac, I can...and will... take from you your nose! And if you are already missing your nose...I will pull random things from behind your ear! Do not test me!
I'm thinking that would have worked out pretty well and I am 100% sure I would be regarded as their King for at least the rest of my life. Ol' solar-eclipse guessing Chris Columbus was never made king of anything. Some people just have no ambition.
The rest my friends, as they say, is History. And you can read all about it on Wikipedia.
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